Swag Monkeys

16 May 2022

A week after the Great Monkey Crash of 2022 and I still feel empty.

Although I had zero pounds and zero pence invested in any hyperlinks to pixel art of apes, I still can’t help but feel sorry for the people who did. The type of person who can manage to convince themselves that a square pixel art of a swag monkey wearing sunglasses was not only worth $200,000 but was also going to be a fundamental step in reinventing the global economic structure is the type of person that I can’t help but admire. It’s a fat office worker yelling “Kobe” as he shoots his sixth Diet Coke can into a bin overflowing with Tesco Meal Deal wrappers and negative lateral flow tests. It’s endearing.

Everyone said that crypto was destroying the environment. It probably was. I know fuck all. I also don’t care. Well, I do care. Obviously. But not really.
How does crypto kill the environment? Like, bandwidth? I’d give a shit if I saw one of the swag monkeys bottling a polar bear.

But I just can’t contextualise any of this. It’s easy to get angry with planes killing the environment – you can see the chemtrails for fucks sake. That can’t be good, can it? Also, you can take your hatred for the middle-class British Airways customers and project it towards a faux-righteous anger towards climate change.

Anyway, back to the swag monkeys. A man who spent his life savings on a pixelated monkey dressed as The Joker has just closed the door to his house, he Googles to see if you can pay for an Uber via $SIMP. Turns out you can’t. He inhales slowly to see if the scent of his wife and children has lingered at all since they left last week to stay with the in-laws. It hasn’t. He checks his phone to see where his Uber is. Three notifications stare back.

1. BNB Price Alert – Price decreased by 12.69%. d

2. @elonmusk tweeted: “Whoever thought owning the libs…”.

3. Your Uber ride has been cancelled.

That same day that imaginary swag monkey owner I made up hanged himself.

Still find the fact someone spent $200,000 on a picture of a swag monkey funny?