The Swagless Religion

11 August 2022

Very few religions have swag. The only ones that do are the Hare Krishnas (awesome costume), Scientology (Tom Cruise) and The Nation of Islam (no explanation needed). Also, I guess Catholics get a pass due to the fact it’s big in the Philippines, the most swagged up nation.

I’d say I was raised in one of the religions with the least amount of swag, the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Now this is in no way me trying to deter you from the very legitimate religion that is the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania; if you want to check it out for yourselves, make sure to look on their website and nowhere else. If you see any other link don’t click it as every other person or source on the Internet is lying and the only way to get an unbiased view of their legitimate religion is by going on their website. Or even better; why not pop to your local Kingdom Hall and see for yourself (just ignore the protestors outside, every single one of them is mentally ill and/or possessed by Satan).

Phew, so now that is out of the way, let’s crack on with their swagless behaviour.

1) Ill-fitting suits

You can’t wear tight suits as a Jehovah’s Witness. This is deemed as “metro-sexual” – a term they use because the word “f*ggot” isn’t very marketable. So, you must stick to very broad, wide shouldered, baggy suits as not to offend or stumble anyone. In fact, my first experience of representation in film was David Bryne in Stop Making Sense. They look pretty whack (the Witnesses, not David Byrne, has he swag). Also, materialism is very much a no-no, so you don’t get any cool suits like Armani or Boss (the most swaggy brands). It’s all pretty boring and they look fucking STUPID!

2) No “Dodgy” Films

The use this term a lot: dodgy. A word so fucking embarrassing it makes me skin crawl typing it. It basically means anything that makes movies fun – violence, swear words, tits. You get the gist. This leads to a lot of Witnesses’ favourite movies being like Tangled or Stuart Little or some gay shit like that. The coolest Jehovah’s Witness you will ever meet will just be some guy who didn’t fast forward to “paint me like one of your French girls” scene in Titanic.

3) No Vaping

Since the dawn of time smoking cigarettes was always the coolest thing you could do, obviously. Don Draper, James Dean, my great-aunt, all the swaggiest people smoked tobacco. Until vaping came along and now smoking is clapped. Vaping is cool because you blow massive clouds and they come in all different flavours, like marshmallow and Monster Energy and shit like that. They’re not allowed to do it! Set up for failure, much?

4) No Pussy/Cock Getting

You can’t get your dick/cunt wet until marriage (the most swagless contract you could sign). Obviously sucking dick, eating pussy, getting your back blown out, etc. is cool, we all know that. Marriage is boring and for losers like my parents and Steve Martin’s daughter in Father of the Bride.

5) Failed Prophecies

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6) Covering Up of Child Sex Abuse

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7) Letting Kids Who Need Blood Transfusions Die

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8) Shunning Family and Ex-Members

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9) Joseph Rutherford having a mansion built for himself, called Beth Sarim, by members after Rutherford claimed biblical prophets were going to come back and that they needed a mansion to live in, then they didn’t come back so he just had a free mansion to live in

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10) Having to go Door Knocking on Saturday Mornings

When all the swaggy cartoons are on? Yes, exactly. Lame ass religion.

No pussy getting Rutherford in his swagless mansion